It has been almost 5 months since my miscarriage. I was quite okay with the fact....until....it is closed to the day where I was supposed to give birth, which was 20th December 2009. At this point of time, I should have big bulging belly with fat face...ahahahahaha. Well, as Malay always say...no rezeki. Although I was never really too sad with the miscarriage, but after looking at my frens who got pregnant almost the same time as me with big belly waiting to pop and having all those experience of being pregnant, it kinda hit me. sigh.....I was supposed to be a mommy in two months time..:(
I was trying not give a damn about all this...and just lay low until it's my time. But it is quite hard to do. As the time close by, the more I felt it. The other day, I was listening to the radio...as usual....Jay Jay and Ian...that horrible hilarious hitz.fm morning crew, and they asked...what was your 2009 resolution and have you achieved it? hmmm....mine was to have a baby and become a parent. Almost achieved it...unfortunately...did not went through till end.
To add to all this, I just got the news that my sister in law who just got married in September (yes during Ramadhan time), is now pregnant (bunting pelamin)...sigh. I guess..I'm gonna have to handle the golden question all over again after this. Maybe there is something wrong with me...hmmm...but the doctor seems to find everything okay...except for my retroverted uterus of course.
Okay....you must be asking what does all this have to do with my entry title? (that is if anyone is reading this :P). Well...since I've miscarriage, I've been trying to count my cycle. All this while my cycle is always on time but after that, everything is not the same. And up till now, I have lost count!!! So I give up!!!! I think I might not even get pregnant forever.
Now, the conclusion is.....since it's too hard for me to get pregnant or maybe I'm never gonna get pregnant....I'm just gonna do what ever I want. I was thinking of going to Aussie..since my sis is there.....but was afraid to make any arrangement, just in case I got pregnant. But now, I think I'm going in December. Fuck it!!! And I'm going ATV riding, camping and hiking. urrghhh...!!!! soooo devastating...sigh.
This is the 2nd time I give up....the first one was just before I got pregnant. But I think this time might be a permanent one. hmm....just my gut feeling. :(